Ode to bad, entertaining summer movies

The only thing better than movies that bad are movies that bad that have tie ins to the 90s. Not too long ago my wife and I watched I Know What You Did Last Summer and I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer back-to-back. We also tried the short-lived Amazon series. These are bad movies. Like really bad. But fun bad. They are part of that 90s slasher film revival. We laughed our asses off. It was fun.

They’re actually based off a children’s book; YA might be more accurate. I’m not really sure where the line is. I think I was in seventh or eighth grade when I read it. Even then, I felt too old. It was published in the 70s, which seems like a wild time that my millennial brain will never be able to process or appreciate. The author famously hates these movies. The book isn’t gory at all. It is so tonally different that it might be a candidate for the worst adaptation of all time. It wouldn’t win that title, but it should be in the conversation. Honorable mention, at least.

I haven’t read the book since middle school, but I think the plot and character development was better, like maybe the bad guy was a Vietnam vet or something. I might not be remembering that correctly, but I am pretty sure he had more of a back story. The book was also like a cautionary tale about underage drinking and mild drug use. It was back when conservatives were selling the narrative of marijuana is bad for you and could kill you way better than they sell that today. Basically, a guy with a hook used in commercial fishing goes on a murder spree due to a contrived series of events. He has Jason Vorhees/Michael Myers strength and durability. There are a few survivors, and the killer may or may not be dead at the end. Classic formula, decent budget, questionable production choices. The classic recipe for cult classics and bad movies.

The movie poster has Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr. in the foreground. Oh boy. The legacy characters are the most marketable stars. Never good. I wasn’t expecting anyone to deliver an Oscar-worthy performance, but ‘Hey! Check out our requel with legacy characters and Easter Eggs!’ does not speak well for the rest of the cast. This is a quandary. Will it be really bad acting or so bad it is good acting?

The other thing that attracted me to this trainwreck was the trailer. Spoiler, it is one of the most violent I’ve ever seen. If you are squeamish, avoid it at all costs. Despite that, I still found the rest of the spliced together clips to be the right combination of funny and tension-y jump scary.

We didn’t watch all of the Amazon series. The dialogue had us in tears, but it was a large time commitment for something bad and with no payoff. I wonder if we will regret this decision. There will probably be references we don’t get. There was also a studio sequel that came out a few years ago. I had no intention of watching it, but now I think I have to. I’m sure it’s bad. I want it to be. There is no way they are going to do the Halloween thing and have the killer be in his 70s. If I had to ballpark it, if the brooding bad guy was still alive, he’d have to be like 80ish. So, either the masked killer is part of the new cast, or it is a tie in to the studio sequel. Gotta watch it for the sake of watching bad movies and getting the meta references within the bad movies.

We arrived at the theater. Matinee after opening night. Fully expecting it to be crawling with teenagers who snuck in. There are only a few showtimes. They must be expecting VERY modest returns. This bodes well for enjoyably bad potential. This will likely be out of theaters in two seconds. One of my guiltiest pleasures is hot honey pepperoni movie theater pizza. Normally we go XL. I can’t eat popcorn ever again (long story, I’ll save it for another time) but my wife has a giant tub. Plot twist, my wife decided on lobster rolls before the movie. No pizza for once. We have a Diet Coke that is large enough to directly cause cancer from all the artificial sweeteners. Show time.

This is not SCREAM. To my knowledge, Kevin Williamson had nothing to do with the production of this movie. There are still jokes, or at least attempts at humor, peppered in throughout. The unintentionally comedic moments of stylized violence, bad editing, and even one instance where a British actor doing an American accent forgot to do the voice making it into the movie were all better and funnier than any of the “jokes.” I laughed aloud no less than eight times.

It is amazing to me how many viewers absolutely did not understand the movie. I went on an online forum to read user comments. It seems most people were expecting a sensical plot, careful cinematography, a good script, and developed characters with clear motivations. Why would anyone think this? I guess I am a contrarian.

I’m not going to spoil the movie. If you like sequels and requels, summer slashers, or generally bad movies, you’ve probably already seen it. If you don’t, you’ll probably never see it. Either one is okay. If you have a couple of hours and a little pocket money, go to the multiplex and enjoy a bad movie in an empty theater. If that’s your thing.